Masking and how we ‘should’ be behaving at Christmas
Christmas is a super emotionally fuelled time for the majority of us. Let’s face it, there is a lot going on. Between family commitments, non-stop social obligations, spending money and buying gifts for loved ones, we are stretched in every direction. This can lead to overwhelm and getting caught in the thought patterns of what we ‘should’ be doing.
Masking is what we do to fit into a neurotypical society. We copy the behaviours of people who don’t have ADHD to appear ‘normal’ or ‘regular’ like them.
Why the Christmas ‘shoulds’ are challenging
The challenge of feeling like there are things we should be doing, means most often our impulsivity goes up.
Take a festive drinks party for example…
We want to fit in and be like everyone else, so we could say yes to attending even if we don’t want to, or we find ourselves going over the top and buying the most expensive bottle of wine because that’s what we think is a good gift.
Between brunches, lunches, parties and days out there is A LOT going on at Christmas.
This is taxing for everyone, but especially for us with ADHD.
Instead of listening to our energy levels and checking in with ourselves and our capacity, we try to show that we are fine. Our masking increases to show we are just like everyone else.
I’ve spoken with clients who’ve described leaving a party and just bursting into tears. It is totally understandable, crying is a way that our body regulates itself. Masking and constantly trying to fit in costs us something and can impact our well-being.
You’ve been sprinting a marathon because you’ve got ADHD and your brain functions at 150%
Alex’s Top Tip:
Try not to focus on behaviour (I know that’s what you think people see so that’s what you focus on) and instead focus on regulation and energy levels.
Ask yourself a boundary question, such as:
How many of these events do I actually want to attend?
Take this real-life example of when I recently ‘unmasked’ and checked in on my energy levels.
I was invited to a stag-do with a big group of friends, I was excited about going but when I saw the itinerary my heart sank. There was a full day and night plan that included lots of games, go-karting, and ending at a bar.
It felt like I’d been asked to run a marathon and I realised with my brain running at 150% I couldn’t do everything on the itinerary.
So instead of putting my mask on and trying to do it all, I told them what I would attend instead. Guess what happened? I had the best day! I came 2nd in go-karting and had a delicious dinner with my friends.
If I’d done the whole day I’d probably have drunk way more (to regulate my exhaustion) and my impulsivity would’ve gone haywire, and later I would’ve felt terrible.
I share this with you as I hope it proves the power of intentionally thinking about energy levels, making a boundary decision and not having to mask.
I know that this isn’t always easy, but simply checking in with yourself first can make a huge difference.
Remember, there is nothing that you should or need to be doing this festive season. Look after yourself first.
